When we last met to discuss the epic saga that is my Taco Bell Family, I had just solidified my BFFness with Josh and our relationship was really soaring. Not that winning him over was that difficult of a task…..I mean, look at me. I'd like to be a non-douchelord here and say that wooing the rest of the staff was more trying but that would be a lie. We all hit it off pretty quickly. It was kind of like the story line on Will and Grace except nothing like that at all. We were just like the girls on The Facts of Life, except slightly different. Our bond completely mirrored the show Friends except…oh my god, okay I get it; it was kind of weird, but I loved it and it made me feel whole, so forget the analogies. Anyway, I pretty much had the whole night staff in a go-to-Bed-Bath-and-Beyond-together-to-pick-out-towels situation, but there was only one thing missing. That thing was the approval of Ash, the one female employee. She was a lot more woman than I was used to. She was the kind that didn't really brush her teeth and hissed at me when I walked by. Some people are probably into stuff like that but it just eroded my confidence a bit. I spent much of my TB time trying to ignore her as I thought my elusiveness would gain her respect in some way. After a while, it became clear that playing hard to get was just not going to win Ash over, so I turned to Josh for advice. His solution was not too dissimilar to how I would imagine Aristotle and Steve Martin’s character on Father of the Bride would jointly solve a problem. He simply and profoundly said "Just start talking about crap. Maybe she likes crap you like. Probably not, you talk too much, but try." So the next day I waltzed in to try it out.
Me: “Oh hey Ash! Did you know there's only 80 calories per serving of Ovaltine? That’s like stealing! Am I right?”
Ash: Hiss
Me: “Who in this room misses Mary-Kate and Ashley? Show of hands. Ash, put that hand up girl. You look like someone that effing loved So Little Time.”
Ash: Double hiss and some spitting
Me: (Now a bit deflated) “Ash, I see you have a wrist tattoo that says “Bill Buddy." I know there’s a story behind that.”
With those words, her face lit up. She shuffled me over to a far back table to elaborate on the origins of the tattoo. It turns out that Bill Buddy was her boyfriend that had just kicked her out of their shared apartment and moved in a girl that he met at a strip club in Farmington (next town over) called the Petting Zoo. This seemed to be a reoccurring theme throughout the TB community. Ash was devastated, but lucky for her; she was sitting in close proximity to the Relationship Master. I was here to do my thing. I explained that the only mature and logical next step would be to summon the stripper to the T-Bell parking lot for a heated brawl. It was a good plan. I would be her coach and we would fight clean. I would bring a sponge. While they were bare knuckle boxing, Josh would knock out the windows in Bill Buddy’s truck with a T-Bell deep fat fryer basket. I was so proud of myself I couldn't stand it but Ash gently let me know that there were a few flaws in my plan. Mainly, there was the distinct probability….let’s say 90%, that I could get stabbed in the process. Meanwhile, Lawrence, the guy who always ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches alone, but whom I had grown very fond of, was eavesdropping. After hearing how incredible at love I am, he stepped in for a piece of the pie I was serving. He pulled up a chair and settled in…
Lawrence: “Have I ever told you how I became a felon?”
Me: “No. But please don't. I mean, really, please. I spent all my money this month at Taco Bell so I don't have enough money to get out of town, just in case you decided "She knows too much" and try to kill me or something.”
Lawrence: “What the hell are you talking about?”
Me: “Fine. Let me have it.”
Lawrence: “Well, I used to be married. She was hot, super hot. But she only made Hamburger Helper for supper. A man can’t survive only on Hamburger Helper. Do you understand that? I mean, every once in a while, a little hamburger to go along with the helper, would have been nice. So one day I slapped her around a little bit and she made it a big deal and all and called the pigs.”
Me: “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh…well I….uhhhhhhh…”
Lawrence: “Look, I think you can help me…I want her back…She was so hot and I'm having a hard time with the rent now. Fine, okay, I’m living in my car. Wait, does your dorm have a futon? Maybe that would work.”
This was a tall order but I knew I could help him. So I dug out an old Charlie's Chicken gift card that may or may not have had any money on it and got this half eaten box of chocolates I keep in my car so I look like someone desires me just in case a guy ever rides in it. I gave him the items and sent him on his way because fried chicken and old chocolate can cure any relationship ill…even domestic abuse. Though this situation might seem weird to the average on looker, it is an instant that remains near and dear to my heart. It was this night that took my relationship with the Taco Bell employees to the next level and the night that I went home and threw out the futon at the dorm. It also set the tone for the next sequence of events that launched me into fast food stardom. (STAYED TUNED! There are more fast food adventures in Part 3)
Once the drive through line had picked up a bit that night and I knew I wouldn't be getting as much attention, it was time for me to go home. As Josh walked me out to my car he turned to me and said "Well you and Ash seem to be buddies. Maybe we could grab a beer or something sometime." I was flattered, so I sweetly turned to him and replied "Ew….oh my god, no. Are you kidding? Like real people might see us."
