Before I tell my final Taco Bell Tale, I would like everyone to think of a time when they did something really stupid. Have something in mind? K good. Keep it there. Now I want you to think of a time when you did something dangerous. Now combine the two. That’s exactly what this story is. It was stupid and dangerous...but you know what? I learned a lesson. So, Mom if you’re reading this, please don’t call and yell at me. No one assaulted me.
The morning that these events transpired started just like any other morning. I was in the middle of a wonderful dream where I lived in a Costco and the only people that were allowed to speak to me where the members of the Criminal Minds team. They consulted me about crimes and I could solve them from atop my throne of bulk paper towels (because that is a completely normal thing to repeated fanaticize about) when my phone rang. I was in no mood to answer as it was 10 a.m. and everyone who’s anyone knows not to call me before 2 p.m., so I just rolled over. My roommate launched the phone at my head saying, “Your caller ID says Josh Taco Bell, so it’s probably important.” I didn’t know what was worse: (A) that he was calling me (B) that he had my cell phone number (C) that my roommate had just told me someone from Taco Bell was calling me in such a normal voice, or of course (D) that she dubbed it important.
“What, Josh?” I answered being sassy, but his tiny little infantile short person voice on the other end was much more discouraged than usual. “Little Lady,” he said sullenly. “I’m moving to Cali. There’s nothing left for me here.” I was annoyed. “Oh my god. I’m going back to sleep. This is ridiculous. You’re not moving to Cali. It’s super expensive and there is absolutely no way that you wouldn’t spontaneously combust the second you crossed the Arkansas border. This state was made for people like you.” He hung up. I went back to sleep.
Five minutes later my phone was buzzing again. This time it read “Nikki Other Taco Bell.” A little background: Nikki was Josh’s ex-girlfriend who worked at the Taco Bell a few streets over. We instantly hit it off. She even invited me to her illegitimate son’s birthday party. On that occasion I actually showed restraint and didn’t go, but I did buy him a present. “Baby, Josh is in real bad shape right now. He is drinkin’ Jack right out da bottle and keeps sayin’ dat he's movin’ to Cali. He’s askin’ for you Baby. Please come over.” I knew what I had to do. I had to go save my friend. I had to convince him to stay. I had to get him to start saying the full word “California.”
Nikki Other Taco Bell gave me vague directions and told me a man named Buck would meet me by the entrance to the trailer park to show me the way. I was blaring “Fighter” by Xtina the entire way. My blood was pumping. I was going to bring justice back to my home. It had not at all dawned on me that going to his house might not be such a good idea until I laid eyes on Buck. He was a tall, burly man with a Jaeger Meister t-shirt and a face scar. Teeth were something I wasn’t even sure he was born with and he had those sweatpants on that are fitted on the bottom. Strangely the sweatpants weren’t saying “nerd” or “tired mom” they were saying something much more like “I murdered someone so I wear these because no one has the balls to say anything.” A bit shaken, I opened the passenger door and let him in the car. He pointed me toward the trailer and after we parked, he ushered me inside. It was worse than I thought. Josh was a shell of his former, tiny self. He was pretty drunk, pretty shirtless, and pretty irritating. “I can’t wait to see the ocean,” he said as he threw a pair of shorts out of the window of the trailer. “I can’t wait to meet all them ladies that will appreciate this,” he said motioning to his tighty whitey-clad body. “How do I become a citizen of Cali?” he mumbled as he threw more clothes out the window in an effort to pack for his relocation. I had had enough. “Oh for the love of God, why can you not just call it California?” I knew that was the real issue here. Spoken abbreviations are always the real issue. But it had become clear to me that Josh was having a midlife crisis.
After talking him into putting some clothes on and moving the thing that I was pretty sure was a dead cat that he had had stuffed, I sat him down to talk. We talked about everything. His break up, his self worth, his obvious fashion issues, his body odor, his irritating accent, we really covered all the bases until the truth came tumbling out of his mouth. “I’m not happy with my job. I’m not happy with my life.”
It was at that moment that Josh decided to take a job at Arby’s and I decided to transfer schools. If my Taco Bell family was breaking up it was obvious that I needed to make a new life for myself somewhere with a more emotionally sturdy fast food chain. We shook hands and said our teary goodbyes.
If you took anything away from my story, I hope it is that you can find friendship in the most unlikely places. Also, never judge a book by its cover. Just because someone doesn’t come from the same lifestyle as you doesn’t mean that they won’t be the answer to your prayers. But most importantly, I hope you learn to never go into some dude you just met at Taco Bell’s trailer. Seriously, have you seen those people? Do you know what could have happened to me in there?
