Gigolos: An American Brotherhood

There are many things in this world that never should have happened. Take child slavery, the song “Party Rock Anthem,” Chaz Bono and war for example, we all would have been a lot better off if those things hadn’t happen. But recently, I realized there was another cruel and unusual thing out there that mankind could have done without, that thing is Showtime’s new series Gigolos. Now I would first like to stress that the only reason my best friend Quinn and I even stumbled uponGigolos was because we could not find my remote  but I also can’t deny that we did not get up to change the channel on the side of the TV either, we’d been drawn in. Now the show is essentially soft porn*, which is absolutely not the part that I find so riveting. The gigolos love each other. It’s like a morally skewed brotherhood. A fraternity you’d never want to be apart of. I mean some of you would, but thats your own problem. I’d like introduce you to the boys:

(In order from left to right)

Steven- Honestly, Steven is my favorite because I’m 100% sure he’s gay. But I don’t love his gayness in the same way I love Ross Mathews. I don’t want to be Steven’s best friend. In fact, I would pay Steven to stay at least 30 feet away from me at all times. I mainly want to help him. Show him the way to his true self, if you will. But the fact that he’s so far back in the closet you cant even see him isn’t what makes you hurt for him, it’s the fact that he is a father. According, to Steven he is giging to give his son a better life. What an interesting career day that would be. I really don’t even want to know the kind of over time homeboy is going to have to do to send his spawn to theatre camp, but thats the next episode.

Nick- I hate Nick. Nick, I hate you. I really don’t want to hear you tell me one more time that you are originally from Wisconsin and like to race dirt bikes. That doesn’t appeal to your more masculine male audience, you’re still a gigolo and we’re all still judging you. And no, you don’t have standards so stop being mean to your huskier clients.

Vin- He was a new comer to the group on the episode I tuned in for. Their “agent” or “pimp” in street terms, wanted to put him in a framiliar social situation with the guys. Naturally, they all met at the gym. The other Gig’s (thats a fun nickname I made up for them) seemed more interested in the fact that Vin was black. After a few wildly offensive racial comments, they realized Vin was about 1/100th black and weren’t as welcoming as I was hoping they would be. So if we are keeping with the fraternity theme Vin would be a pledge. A pledge that likes to call himself “chocolate,” but look at him, I don’t buy it.

Brace- He serves as the president of the fraternity. I mainly gave him that title because he is around 89 years old. Brace is always freshly spray tanned which I find admirable. I could go on for hours describing him, but I think instead the Showtime website says it best:

“Brace dabbled in modeling but then decided he preferred the corporate world.”

Am I the only one who doesn’t classify male prostitution as “the corporate world?” Can I get an amen?

Jimmy- I think I feel closest to Jimmy. Maybe because I watched him tell his family he wasn’t actually a youth music teacher, and was in fact a Gigolo. They took it uncomfortably well. I may or may not have shed a few tears. You’re so brave, Jim. 

Well, now that you’ve met the faces behind the pelvic thrusts, I hope you’ve all come to find that they are just like you and me…just a lot sluttier.

Katherine

Criminal Minds

The first time I met my most recent boyfriend was a night I will never forget. It was one of those nights that I wasn’t feeling particularly good about myself. I was wearing oversized gray sweatpants, had a few fresh zits, and was well into a pint of Ben and Jerry’s, when he suddenly showed up in my living room. He was the kind of guy that instantly made me feel beautiful, like I could do anything in the world with just one smile. There were a few months of bliss, I really couldn’t get enough of him. I set my alarm for ungodly hours, like 9 am, just so I could spend time with him. He was my everything. My world. As much as it pains me to admit, our relationship took a grave turn. Soon the intimate butterflies deep in my stomach, turned into  pure terror. He had me looking over my shoulder at every turn, petrified he’d be there. I was originally going to conceal his name at the sake of his discretion. I was desperately hoping he’d try to change, but I might as well just lay it all out there. His name is Criminal Minds and we are in an abusive relationship. 

It would  be a lie to say that he doesn’t still have my heart, he definitely does. But it is undeniable that I have had a recent surge in paranoia due to his existence. Watching this show is actually ruining my life. I know things about the world that I never, ever needed to know. Did you know that there are people out there that would kill you in a parking garage and take your eyeballs as souvenirs? You’re creeped out. Ready for a game changer? HE IS GOING TO FRY THEM AND EAT THEM. He’s going to eat your eyeballs and he’s not even going to feel weird about it. I don’t park in parking garages anymore. Okay thats a lie, sometimes I have to. But when I do, I put goggles on and run like hell. You know that weird friend request you got yesterday? That tool wearing the white Oakleys leaning up against the 1993 Kia? You didn’t know him but you accepted anyway. Well good call, because he is going to hack into your computer through your profile and trap you in a meat locker with a bunch of other girls that also have blonde hair and enjoy Farmville. You may be thinking,”Oh that wouldn’t be so bad, it sounds like a good place to meet friends. It sounds like we have a lot in common.” Think again. He going to kill you and film it and post it to an internet site called WellItReallySucksToBeYou.com. But  honestly, the real problem is that the world just wasn’t ready to see Greg, of Dharma and Greg, being so intense and sexy or at least I wasn’t. Just consider this a warning. When you find a guy that seems a little dangerous and intriguing. Don’t do it, because before you know it, you’ll be too scared to pee in the bathroom of a public library.

Katherine

A Name

I am thoroughly convinced that there are very few things in this world more difficult than naming a blog.

 I thought of everything. I asked myself all of the right questions in an effort to hopefully spark some kind of creative breakthrough. What is my favorite thing in the world? Taco Bell. No, I can’t name it that. It gives too much about me away…I want to leave a little bit to the imagination. What is my favorite hobby? Sour Apple Burnett's. Okay, no. I definitely can’t name it that.... too inappropriate and is entirely too telling of my lack of class. There was only one way to end this internal debate. I would have to name it after my most prized possession. Beatrice Marie Gass, my French Bulldog. Naturally, her full name wouldn't do. I had to use her nickname... Betty Bug. Now, I know what you're thinking. I've really out-lamed myself. But come on, look at her. Could you have done better? The answer is no. But of course this blog is not all about a the smashed faced, snorting, farting wonder. It is really just about what comes to my mind and the occasional recipe of something that will make you really fat. What could be better than that? The answer is nothing.