That being said, there are some people that just completely suck on Twitter. Before you stop reading, I’m willing to admit I am a slave to social networking. I’m not going to pretend that I have a life. I don’t. I eat out alone often. Anyway, I check Twitter more than I have actual human interactions, so I do have the authority to make these kinds of accusations about others. I’m also willing to admit that I’ve done some of these things but I’d rather just point fingers at all of you than at myself. So I ask you to look past my own flaws while I totally capitalize on yours.
I have broken these 140 character offenders up into groups. I did this because I like to envision myself as the leader of a hypothetical seminar where people from across the globe have come to allow me to belittle them into a better way of expressing themselves on the internet. It’s just a lot easier for me to hurt your feelings if you’re categorized. So sit down, grab a bottle of tequila, and take notes because I’m about to change your life.
The “Look How Sweet My Boyfriend Is” Barf Bait- By telling us that your boyfriend calls you beautiful every hour on the hour and calling yourself a #luckygirl, you’re not making us swoon. You’re making single girls everywhere consume four boxes of Franzia while watching Titanic and drunk dialing their mom.
The “Shout Out To My Girls” Party Girl- Scenario: Its Friday night. Its’ been a really long week. You’re ready to pound some brightly colored shots with your home girls. Who knows? Someone might kiss someone they don’t know. A top might come off. The possibilities are really endless. I completely respect this but if you tweet about how happy you are to be with “yo main ladies” every 36 minutes, everyone is going to think you’re sitting in the corner booth alone listening to Kreyshawn on repeat. I know this because my friends and I have done this and woke up having lost close to 10 followers each and a lot of self respect.
The TMI Tweeter- We get it. You have corns. I’m not going to go into that much detail on this one just don’t tweet about your corns, it’s really weird. Same goes with cramps. Don’t tweet about your cramps, girlfriend.
The “Too Many Hash Tags” Train Wreck- This is everyone’s mom. Everyone’s mom who has a twitter has no idea how to properly utilize hash tags. Their tweets are usually like this “Shopping with my #BeautifulDaughter #SoFun #GladShesHome #NeedAXanex #DidISayThat? #YesIDid." I’m going to be real with you. I don’t really understand hash tags either but I stay away from them because of that. Also, if you use too many hash tags on Twitter you probably speak with hash tags in real life. In that case, you’re hopeless. I’m done trying to help you.
The Calorie Burner- If you ate four carrots and then spent six hours on the elliptical and then made the colossal mistake of telling me about it, I’m absolutely going to want to fight you. No, seriously. You tweet about that and I’m calling all my friends to talk about you behind your back. This is mainly because there is a 600% chance I have already had Wendy’s that day. You make me feel bad about my double cheeseburger, I tell everyone you made out with your 6th grade gym teacher. That’s just the way the world works.
If you realized that any of these were you then I’m sorry for being so harsh..... but.... you’re welcome! I just increased your like-ability by quite a bit. So now, my tragic little Tweeter, take these lessons into your own virtual world and use them wisely. And please, for the love of god, try not to #DropTheBall again.
