Criminal Minds

The first time I met my most recent boyfriend was a night I will never forget. It was one of those nights that I wasn’t feeling particularly good about myself. I was wearing oversized gray sweatpants, had a few fresh zits, and was well into a pint of Ben and Jerry’s, when he suddenly showed up in my living room. He was the kind of guy that instantly made me feel beautiful, like I could do anything in the world with just one smile. There were a few months of bliss, I really couldn’t get enough of him. I set my alarm for ungodly hours, like 9 am, just so I could spend time with him. He was my everything. My world. As much as it pains me to admit, our relationship took a grave turn. Soon the intimate butterflies deep in my stomach, turned into  pure terror. He had me looking over my shoulder at every turn, petrified he’d be there. I was originally going to conceal his name at the sake of his discretion. I was desperately hoping he’d try to change, but I might as well just lay it all out there. His name is Criminal Minds and we are in an abusive relationship. 

It would  be a lie to say that he doesn’t still have my heart, he definitely does. But it is undeniable that I have had a recent surge in paranoia due to his existence. Watching this show is actually ruining my life. I know things about the world that I never, ever needed to know. Did you know that there are people out there that would kill you in a parking garage and take your eyeballs as souvenirs? You’re creeped out. Ready for a game changer? HE IS GOING TO FRY THEM AND EAT THEM. He’s going to eat your eyeballs and he’s not even going to feel weird about it. I don’t park in parking garages anymore. Okay thats a lie, sometimes I have to. But when I do, I put goggles on and run like hell. You know that weird friend request you got yesterday? That tool wearing the white Oakleys leaning up against the 1993 Kia? You didn’t know him but you accepted anyway. Well good call, because he is going to hack into your computer through your profile and trap you in a meat locker with a bunch of other girls that also have blonde hair and enjoy Farmville. You may be thinking,”Oh that wouldn’t be so bad, it sounds like a good place to meet friends. It sounds like we have a lot in common.” Think again. He going to kill you and film it and post it to an internet site called WellItReallySucksToBeYou.com. But  honestly, the real problem is that the world just wasn’t ready to see Greg, of Dharma and Greg, being so intense and sexy or at least I wasn’t. Just consider this a warning. When you find a guy that seems a little dangerous and intriguing. Don’t do it, because before you know it, you’ll be too scared to pee in the bathroom of a public library.

Katherine